Thoughts of future

I’ve had a nice day today.
Was asked by several people to go to Manchester pride but due to lack of funds I decided I would rather have a nice relaxing Saturday at home.
Do I regret that?
Not at all.
Sure I could of gone out. Got really drunk. Felt like I was having the time of my life. End up in our hotel room.
But actually I had a great day pretending I was a civilian :D. I mowed the lawn, and started clearing the flower beds of weeds. I actually did a lot.
I emailed edge hill university enquiring about becoming a paramedic in a few years.
I’m 96% sure I will be a civilian in 4 years time. Before that but as a target. And that makes me happier. To see a better path in front of me. I want to spend Saturday mornings in four years time with Jessie doing bits of gardening and chilling out watching old films on rainy days.
And if there’s someone else there to enjoy it with us then that’s just a bonus for me to have someone to cook me tea 🙂
High five to the future ✋
I currently have my friends kitten staying and he’s jumping round my bed catching my feet and sometimes over jumps and falls of the bed. So cute.
My future involves house hold pets too.. Cats, dogs and maybe even chickens! And maybe just maybe when I sort it all out I’ll go to Manchester pride as a 40 year old with money and tidy garden. That’s the aim right there 👌
Good night word press (foot currently being attacked by kitten) 🙋

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Adventure

So I’m lying in bed wondering what to do today. I have friends who keep texting me asking to go to Manchester pride. Although I’m sure it would be a great day I really just don’t have the money and I’m very aware I only have one weeks left of leave before work =[
Stressed at the thought of going back. I hate my job so much. But at the end of the day it pays the bills. For now. I could put my notice in and leave a year from now but with no plan and financial issues resolved I would proberly loose my house in a matter
Of months. And I have too much responsibility for that. So. For now I have to be miserable. For now.
So today I do fancy an adventure but I don’t think that’s gonna happen with things such as petrol money I can’t afford.. I’m pretty trapped.
I might start the garden 🙂 sorting my life starts with the heart beat of home.
Think I’m ready to get out of bed now 👌

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Dating

Ok so I went on ‘a date’ last week.. I don’t know if it’s called a date or what but either way we went for food and she insisted on paying. Weird feeling because I don’t remember ever being took out for food nevermind bein the one leaving the credit card in my pocket. It was really weird but so nice.
Sort of made me realise I’ve never had that before. Not that I need it. But I guess it’s nice. Really nice to feel loved and appreciated.
I had a dream last night I was in a relationship with an amazing girl. (Hense it was a dream) we laughed and smiled and had a really happy healthy life.
She encouraged me to not drink for 6 months due to how much i do drink and as a reward at the end of those 6 months she took me to Rome.
Rome is my most favourite place in the world. It was beautiful. And such a weird feeling for someone to do something so lovely for me.
Reflection today. I feel surprised when someone buys me food. Could I ever imagine the feeling of someone doing something so beautiful and caring for me?
I guess people who get those things have no idea what they get. I’m always the person who buys things so one day if it’s the other way round I will be swept so far of my feet I won’t hit the floor.
Just wanted to share that.
If you read this and you don’t treat your other half as often as you should.. Make that effort. If not today save up for next week or next month and take them for some food and make them smile.
It’s all about smiling 🙂

Kiss to send us of

Incubus song.
My brother and sister in laws wedding song was actually ‘dig’ by incubus. To my grandmas confusion as she’d ‘never heard it in her life’ but it’s such a perfect song. If someone sang that song to me I think I would be the happiest person on this planet.
So it’s been another emotionally hard day.
There are no answers to anything. You could say what’s easier now but in the long run, what’s best. It all comes down to just trying your hardest. That’s all I can do.
I know I have lots of room for improvement. And I’m will start working on it.
So me and my ex have now decided that we will have no contact whatsoever apart from ‘baby’ only. Things apparently are generally gonna go through her mum. I think this will help. Because right now my mind and body is constantly dragging itself back to the past. And when the past isn’t there it makes me crumble. I’ve never felt so weak in my life. Numb. Empty.
But it’s weird because it’s not like I want us to be back together. We’ve both changed and been hurt and there’s too much that’s happened. I guess I just can’t help loving the bones of her. She is literally in some ways my whole world.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. What she’s doing. Is she okay. Is she happy. I don’t know that I will ever stop thinking those things.
But besides the point. We’re over, she’s with someone else and it’s now time for me to move on. Find a reason to live that doesn’t involve morally not hurting family, friends and Jess.
I hope I can find myself. It’s kind of harder then I thought it would be.
I spoke to an old friend today. It was actually really nice.
Funny we actually spoke because I was worried about her due to an event with my ex and her.
She is one of the few people in my life who has never hurt me, upset me. We’ve not been close for about 8 years but we both still value each other and care for one another.
I saw her last year and she was in a really bad place and it worried me.
But the navy took me away and my own life makes me very self centred so I hadn’t really spoke to her since.
She’s in a good place. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my whole life’ she said to me. ‘But how? How did you get yourself back together from where you were?’ I asked. Pleading in my soul. She said ‘you have to loose everything and hit rock bottom, then when you start again, you start stronger’
Anyway. I do feel rock bottom. So I feel like it is time to start over. Hense the welcomed less contact with the ex. (Dreading Christmas) but if she can get back up from where she was. Sure anyone can do it.
Just sick of feeling so suicidel it’s not something I’m proud of and I’m only writing it here because this is becoming like a way of talking to myself without feeling too mental.. I don’t want to sound like one of those people who are pathetic and can’t handle their own issues.
I used to always be so strong and happy. Two years ago I was a complete different person inside out. Amazing what life does to you.
Just feels sometimes like things will never get better so what the point in being miserable all the time? Like the westboro baptist church often says ‘you’re going straight to hell and there’s nothing you can do about it’
Maybe I should fly to America and repent to the crazy bible worshippers.
Maybe they are happier the me even if they are crazy

Morning

Woke up this morning with some sort of motivation. I put a load of washing in.
That washing has now finished it’s cycle and yet I’m still here lying on the sofa. Just have no inspiration. I have however changed the tv channel from Sunday Mornin debate to music channel.. I think this should help. I think it is.
What is love baby don’t hurt me. That’s what’s playing.. This song always reminds me of a gay bar and a load of skinny blonde boys skipping round the dance floor.
East 17 stay another day just came on. So cute. I’m like the softest person on this planet I think. God there clothes are awful… I’ll never try to understand fashion, old or new.
Don’t care.
More things to worry about. Like that fireplace isn’t gonna paint itself….
Cyaaaaaa

Hello WordPress … Heartbreak talks

So this is my second WordPress account. I used to have one a few years ago but it appears to have been deleted through the complete neglect it got shown.
So here I am, back to write random thoughts in a hope it’ll give me some distraction from my current real world.
So I decided to come back while readin through my best friends blog rebelliousreading.wordpress.com

I think I can honestly say I’m one of the luckiest people on this planet. I have a beautiful friend like Fi who constantly gives and gives and never expects anything in return. She knows me more then I know myself. We have been best friends for nearly ten years and never really had a major fall out and I guess that’s because she never gives up on me. She never holds things against me. She’s always let me come home when I’ve become lost in this crazy world.
How many people can have a true friend who loves you unconditionally, knows you incomparably and never gives up on you.
And to add to all that we could spend everyday together and sure we would always have something to talk about.
Why can’t I find a girl like you Fi? Then I know I would be so unquestionably happy my life would be ok again. But to second best it, that chief brides maid spot will always be yours. Even if I don’t find my lesbianFi for another 50 years.
I’m sat here typing away and twilight new moon is on e4 +1.. Edwards just run away into the woods and left Bella ‘for good’ and there’s lot of dramatic music going on.
Well I recently found out what heart break actually is… And I think I need this dramatic music in my life most days.
Heartbreak is not good. It has to be the worst pain you could ever experience. Because there is no cure but time .. And maybe minor cures in the time spent with a friend like Fi.
I think the worst thing about coming out the otherside of a messy break up is being able to find your soul again.
I feel now like I just get through as I can. I wake up each morning, I have a shower, brush my teeth, usually eat something inappropriate like a cookie. Get dressed. Breathe. Try to keep breathing. Try to not let things I see or read or witness tear what’s left of my heart apart. I guess the pain gets easier or you get used to the pain.
I know there’s worse things in the world. People dying, people with nothing. But I guess it’s human nature to only see what’s bad in your own life.
Like Bella has just said ‘it’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest’
I wonder regularly now, why we let ourselves become so vulnerable. Why we let someone else take our souls and trust them to look after it. But we all crave it. Even now I’ve experienced all this pain I know I crave to settle down again. I don’t really want to give up although I say I do. I just want a simple life. I’ve done the drinking the up all nights. Even this last few weeks.. Two different people have been in my life and just for the sake of it.
I don’t want to be that person who plays around and is a complete head fuck and hurts people like I’ve been hurt.
I want someone like Fi. Someone who understands me and loves me for me. I just want to come home and have a simple life, have tea and watch corrie or a documentary. Take trips away.
And show me I still have a soul somewhere.
But why do I crave someone else to show me this? Surely I can do this on my own.
I guess I can blame my job for that. Like everything else in my life. I blame the navy. I used to crave my own company but now.. Now i hate being alone. I need to find my love to be alone again.
I need to find love for myself again. I need to get rid of the anger and hurt I have and I need to start getting up each day and not only breathe but live! Live and smile and be happy. Because I know right now I’m wasting precious years and time I have.
But knowing isn’t as easy as doing.
But spending time with Fi yesterday has helped so much. We went to the gym, we chilled in the steam room, we watched flubber and worked our way through a litre of vodka and a few cheeky mini chocolate rolls.
But I got out of my own head and I smiled. And I’ve been okay today. I’ve been okay.
I just need to stop trying to do this on my own. I have bonds I need to fix with friends. I have things to make up. I have a life I need to re kinder.
And then maybe I will be happy again.
I’ve kinda wrote more then I expected. I didn’t plan much after my confession of neglect to word press.
But hear it is. Maybe the first blog of many that hopefully will help me heal stronger.
Much love to who ever read this.